All the Little Monas
by YouKnowWhatTheySayAboutHope
Summary: There are so many Monas. So many personalities she's had. So many to the point that she doesn't know which one was there first, let alone which ones are meant to stay. Or Mona throughout the years. Vandermarin.
1. Mona

**Mona**

Once upon a time, Mona was normal. It was just Mona. No prefix to the name that drove her almost as nuts as the people who called her by it. It. was. Just. Mona.

And she had friends. Some not so close ones. Some closer. Some girls she vaguely knew. Becca Roberts, Jenny Bright, Emily Fields, Lexy Jackson, to name a few.

By the time eighth grade came, Mona had found her best friend. There she was. Funny, pretty, goofy Hanna Marin. Who bowed after puking on a trampoline. Who made Mona stronger. Whose laugh had Mona smiling all day. Who didn't mind Mona's large glasses and annoying braces, or lack of sense of style, or the kids in the halls who called her foureyes.

Although Hanna sympathised with Mona because of the kids. The same ones who made the small brunette's life miserable sometimes called Hanna names, too. Fat. Greedy-guts. Some others, that Mona did not find worth mentioning. Whenever the sound of one of them hit her ears, Mona curled her hand into a fist.

One day, those jackasses would pay for every insult, every miserable lunch period that Hanna would ever have to endure. Mona would make sure of it.

The middle schoolers that bothered them in the hallways were a pain in the ass, but nothing Hanna and Mona could not handle. They had each other. And Mona had the fluttering of butterflies in her stomach whenever she saw Hanna's beaming face.

Then the summer before freshman year came, and along with it, Alison DiLaurentis.


	2. Loser Mona

**Loser Mona**

Alison was skinny, blonde and pretty. Before Rosewood High, she was at the private middle school not too far away from the small town, which is one of the reasons why she was so fascinating to everyone.

Vaguely, Mona remembered her from girl scout meetings. But this… this person was nothing like the cute little girl Emily Fields never shut up about.

Mona didn't know what was worse. That there was someone who suddenly appeared, almost out of nowhere, who seemed to want to make her life a living hell, or that Mona wanted to be just like the she-devil herself.

Alison was a goddess. The closest thing to perfect. So when she stopped Hanna in the hall one day to compliment her shirt, Hanna was stoked. Next thing you know, she'd made plans with the new Queen Bee and her other three new friends. Without Mona.

And suddenly, the little brunette was alone.

Or not quite. The kids from eighth grade seemed to have followed her to high school. Just with Alison there and Hanna on the other side, it was much, much worse. There were people shoving her and calling her more names and others getting up as soon as she sat down at their table. It was impossible to make friends.

Not that Mona wanted any new ones. It was Hanna who she wanted back.

She even had an official nickname, thanks to Alison. Loser Mona.

Deep down, Mona knew that Alison was wrong. That she wasn't a loser, that someone like Alison could not dictate who Mona was.

But the more Alison told her that she was a waste of space, a waste of breath, the more Mona believed it.

At some point, Mona found herself staring in the mirror for what felt like ages every morning. Inspecting her teeth, her eyes, every birth or beauty mark, her mouth and her nose, her clothing and height and everything else that Alison had pointed out.

Loser. Her eyes seemed to tell herself. Loserloserloser.

Maybe if it had just been Alison, Mona would have been fine with it. Just maybe, she would have eventually been alright.

But then there was Hanna, as cute and dorky and lovable as ever, watching Alison declare to the world that Mona's very existence was a crime. Alison was the new goddess, who decided that multiple people, who the petite freshman knew, were outcasts, but Hanna… Mona trusts Hanna. And if Hanna never spoke up, then…

All Mona wanted was to be friends with her. The girl everyone loved so much. The girl Hanna now hung out with, the girl who made all those jerks in the halls leave Han alone.

Maybe if she were friendly enough, then Alison would accept her?

Oh, who was she kidding.

 _LoserloserloserLOSER._

It took two months for Alison and her daily torment to change the way Mona thought.

At some point, whenever Alison's voice wasn't following her, a part of Mona made up for it. Her own voice, bringing her down when Alison couldn't.

 _You shouldn't be here._

Mona stared at her lunch tray, not feeling hungry at the least, trying to block out the empty spaces around her in the otherwise full cafeteria.

 _You suck so much more than I thought you would._

With an _oof_ Mona landed on the floor, her straight, untamed dark hair falling into her face. Before she had a chance to look behind her shoulder to find out which douchebag was the one to trip her.

 _No-one likes you._

She missed Hanna. So, so, so much.

 _Piss off, freak._

Then Mona snapped.


	3. Gone Mona

**Gone Mona**

Kids break all the time. For a billion reasons.

Mostly, they become self-destructive.

Jenny was caught spray painting the school and got suspended. Emily was missing from school for a week after her dad returned to the army last Christmas. Becca dyed her hair and painted her nails black and avoided everyone's eyes. Lexy was crying in English class the other day, for apparently no reason, tugging at the sleeves of her long shirt.

Not Mona.

Scribbling the message on a sheet of paper, the small Hawaiian let out a hiss. Everything happened so quickly, she didn't even realize what she was doing when she hit the DiLaurentis' pumpkin, crushing it into a pulp.

She didn't even realize it fully when she slipped the note into it.

Much less did she remember what she wrote or how many of those she'd sent the bitch before.

It didn't bother her as much as it should have, though.

The notes she sent made her no better than Alison. But also not much worse.

To some extent, Mona knew this wasn't her. But it was necessary. More than anything, she needed Alison DiLaurentis gone.

Despite this, she still wanted to be her friend. To be popular and loved. Loved and adored and admired by _Hanna._

So Mona found herself following Alison around. A lot.

It was useful to do so. Made it easy to find out everything she'd ever need to know about the Queen bee and her posse. Made it easy to find out about Byron Montgomery's affair, Emily's secret crush (that was not so secret), Melissa's perverted boyfriend who thought it would be funny to fool around with fifteen year-old Spencer.

And to find out what Alison was doing to Hanna. To dorky, lovable Hanna. And it broke Mona more than anything in the world, watching how quickly her former best friend was losing weight. Knowing how she was losing it.

It made her mad. Hefty Hanna? Please. Hanna was beautiful, funny, smart and so much more. Hefty was _not_ an accurate description.

It also made her scared.

So standing in the barn, Labor Day 2009, with Alison and her pretty little curls and pretty little yellow top and pretty little yellow top, Mona didn't even have the chance to think before smashing the nearest thing- in this case, a shovel, into Alison's skull.

Only seeing the pile of yellow and golden and red did Mona realize what she'd done.

* * *

When the blonde turned up, on the streets, very much alive, only a short time later, the other girl was initially relieved. The relief turned to fear soon. It meant that Queen Mean's torment wasn't over yet.

But she was lucky. Ali was shaken, with no clue who it was who hit her. And, she was vulnerable. Easy to persuade to disappear.

Maybe it was her soothing voice. The lack of a threat Just-Mona was.

Or maybe it was because Mona knew how much she needed Alison gone.

Watching her drive off in that wig and car, Mona felt the triumph rise in her, placing a smile on her face.

She was finally free.


	4. New Mona

**New Mona**

"How are you, Hanna?"

She was so beautiful. Blonde hair waving in the wind as she stared the poster. Pink lips. Bright eyes. _Beautiful_ bright eyes. And a beautiful bright voice.

After a short conversation, Mona whispered, "Do you want to know the secret?"

"What secret?"

"The secret to becoming unforgettable?"

Mona couldn't have been any happier than when Hanna Marin took her to her house that afternoon.


	5. -A

**-A**

Initially, seeing Aria Montgomery in the classroom next to Emily Fields didn't worry Mona.

But then Hanna waved to them, something that she hadn't done in months, and that changed everything.

The now popular brunette could already see it in front of her. Alison's posse reuniting after a year of the leader's tragic disappearance.

Them taking over the school again. Making popular Mona to Loser Mona again. Taking Hanna away from her again.

Conveniently, just at that moment, Spencer Hastings strode through the door in her usual posed manner, exchanging smiles with Hanna on the way to her seat.

Maybe it was the jealousy that made Mona do what she did next. Maybe it was the _loserloserloser_ -chanting part of her brain that fueled her actions.

But most likely it was the panic. That awful panic that stopped Mona from thinking clearly. That stopped Mona from even thinking twice before pulling out her phone, and typing in the message.

 _Only once,_ she silently vowed. _To put them in their place._

* * *

Only once didn't last.

Worst of all, Mona wasn't quite aware that she was going to slip into -A until she already did. Wasn't quite aware that she was going to hurt anyone until she'd already done it.

 _It's surviving,_ she'd tell herself every night while looking into the mirror.

Funnily enough, even while chasing the four of them down, hunting them like the prey she used to be, forcing back the most painful of memories, Mona still had other things to think about.

Hanna being most those things of course.

Hanna's boyfriend Sean occupied the brunette's thoughts for a while.

How unfair it was that Sean got to spend every afternoon with lovely, lovely Hanna. How unfair it was that he had Hanna throwing herself all over her.

She didn't blame him for wanting to remain a virgin, as strange as she thought it was that he didn't want to sleep with Hanna. Mona sure as well would if she'd ever get the chance.

Sean and Hanna were easy to break up. Their relationship was more or less doomed, anyway. Mona hated to see Hanna hurt, though. For a while, she hated that she did that to her.

But other times… other times Hanna pissed Mona off to the point that the brunette barely felt sorry.

Every lunch Mona spent alone, every time Hanna and her friends left the room immediately after Mona entered, every time the other girl bailed on their plans…

By the time Mona's birthday came in October, she was tired of this endless cycle of rejection.

But there was hope. Maybe, if she could gt Hanna's friends to come to her party… they might actually enjoy it. Maybe they could become friends. And then, Mona could let the -A business go.

And just maybe,, Hanna would change. Just for that day, they'd go back to the way they used to be.

One half of Mona lived for her birthday. Lived for the idea of Hanna strutting beside her in the mall, telling some goofy Hanna-joke, smiling her Hanna-smile, the two of them, hand in hand, making heads turn.

The other half already dreaded the text that would cancel on her.

When it finally arrived, Mona lost it.

One moment, she was declaring her friendship with Hanna as over in the hallway, the next… the next she'd turned the one person she loved the most into roadkill.

* * *

The car door opened with a start and Mona, black hoodie and everything, stumbled out, coughing, breath stuck in her throat, clumsily running away from the road. No. No. NO!

What the hell did she do? No… every memory she had ever had with Hanna flashed through her mind. Every time she'd wished she could press her lips onto the blonde's forehead threatened to knock her over. What if she actually just killed Hanna?

Letting herself collapse onto the ground, Mona decided that if she actually killed her best friend, she'd never live with it.

After… a few minutes? An hour? Honestly, she had no idea how long.

That was when she heard the sirens.

* * *

"Is that Hanna?" Mona asked a bystander, who nodded.

Of course, she already knew the answer.

But the bubbly blonde was alive, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

 _She knew too much_ , Mona told herself on the way to the hospital.

 _She might have figured it out,_ she told herself as she walked through the doors.

 _I had to do this,_ were the words that she forced herself to repeat over and over and over again in her head.

The more she told herself that, the less she believed it.

Not that it mattered.

Everything was so much of a blur that is was hard to keep track of thoughts these days.

Pulling out the white bralette, just as planned, the just-turned sixteen year-old entered the hospital room. The minute she set foot in it, she despised the yellow walls and ugly curtains, and wished for Hanna to be anywhere else than here.

"Oh my God, Mona," Hanna breathed out a sigh of relief as she saw her friend. Or the person who was supposed to be one.

"I'm waving a white La Perla," she explained, whilst taking in her surroundings even further. "That's like the international peace symbol." _I'm so, so sorry, Hanna._

The blonde thankfully didn't notice the guilt that laced Mona's voice. Instead she just slightly smiled, and blnked, waiting for Mona to continue.

"Can I come in?" _I was so scared I was going to lose you._

"Yeah," Hanna was laughing now, at what exactly, Mona did not know, but it felt sososo _good_ for her to hear that amazing chuckle. "Come in."

"Oh, that cast!" Dropping her bag, Mona leaned forwards to inspect it. _Shitshitshitshitshit_. "That's like… for a broken leg." Breaking someone's bones doesn't exactly say _I love you._

Knowing she'd go crazy if she didn't say anything, she'd go crazy, Mona fretted, "That won't keep you from wearing heels, will it?"

"Just for a little bit." Oh, that beautiful, beautiful Hanna smile.

"Awwww…" Crap. This was bad. Reaching out for the other girl's hand, she was sure that Hanna would notice how much she hated seeing her like this. "If I hadn't uninvited you to my party, then you wouldn't have felt so desperate that you had to sneak around the edges and get hit by that car, she began rambling.

Letting out a long, frustrated sigh, she finished, "I almost feel guilty."

All of a sudden, Hanna looked up, shaking her head. "Mona, you don't have anything to feel guilty for." Of course, Mona didn't miss the silent _you-have-A-to-blame_ that followed.

It took almost everything she had to force a smile.

"Oh, good," she hastily murmured before turning away. If she had to look at that cast for another second, she'd start sobbing then and there.

And there was no way she could afford to do that.

That was the last part of the conversation that Mona remembered when she exited that goddamn awful room.

What happened? This whole memory loss thing really sucked.

Noticing a black line of ink on her arm, the Vanderwaal innerly groaned.

Of course. Being near one of the four girls meant she must have had to leave an -A-message.

For some reason she didn't even regret it.

* * *

Obviously, Mona felt bad about taking advantage of injured Hanna.

But… she was running out of information. She need something… _anything_ to keep the girls in check.

Plus, after seeing Alison at the hospital, she needed something to scare her away.

Too bad Mona had no idea how her fears and obsessions took over her life.

* * *

Caleb Rivers was a smug, arrogant asshole, and Hanna _loved-loved_ him.

The minute Mona saw the way she looked at him, she wanted him gone.

Tearing up the envelope… probably not the best idea. But she was worried. Worried that he'd break Hanna's heart. Worried that he'd take her away from her.

How selfish could she be? Looking at the torn up note in the trash, she stared at it for a moment.

Before she could change her mind, Mona poured the contents of her drink over the shreds.

Maybe she took it too far when a few months later Mona found herself downloading file after file after file onto Caleb's laptop.

Framing someone for murder… someone innocent, someone who Hanna loved.

Perhaps Mona should have been worried by the fact that this didn't bother her.

But at that point she'd gone completely numb.

"Someone must really want Caleb out of their way," Spencer Hastings breathed, barely audible from where Mona was watching.

Yes. Mona really did.

* * *

Mrs. Marin knew. She freaking knew.

Not about -A, of course.

But about Hanna.

The way she looked at the two of them, amusement in her eyes as she exchanged knowing glances with Mona.

It made her wonder what that amusement would turn into if she'd ever find out who Mona really was.

Not that it mattered, whether she'd wonder it or not. She knew it would disappear into the blur that was the last two years.

With a sigh, the Hawaiian pressed the button as she sent an A-message to herself.

It was pathetic. Making yourself look like the victim.

But it was working.

This was the most time she'd spent with Hanna since Aria moved back.

* * *

Spencer was smarter than the others. Stronger. She didn't need -A to make her life miserable.

Her family and creepy older guys her sister dated and her own mistakes already did that for her.

Mona was impressed when Spencer survived being dangled off the bell tower by Ian. She was impressed when the youngest Hastings stood strong when not even her own parents believed her. And when Spencer was kind to her after she was dumped by Noel Kahn (not that Mona liked him much, anyway), the smaller girl could see herself working with her already.

Which is why she was in Mona's car at the moment driving to the Lost Woods resort.

This familiar numbness took over as the petite brunette watched Spencer declare over the phone that she found a trail. The other girl seemed so excited… so happy, happier than the first time in _years._

The pressure resting on Spencer's shoulder was so freaking much. Mona knew that.

Spencer Hastings loved Hanna almost as much as Mona did.

Spencer Hastings has gone through so much crap that she didn't deserve.

Spencer Hastings deserved the so much more.

And Mona was going to give it to her.

* * *

The headlights were so fucking bright. Blinding Mona more and more as they neared. More and more and more and Mona was sure that the driver was going to run her over.

The lights didn't blind her enough. She wished they had.

Maybe then she wouldn't have recognized the hate and anger written all over Hanna's face as the blonde sat behind the wheel. The car screeched to a stop dangerously close to Mona's feet.

With a scream, the brunette flung herself onto Spencer, tackling the taller girl to the ground, not even sure what it was that she wanted.

Next thing she knew, she was at the bottom of the cliff, her head hurting beyond belief.

"She's alive!" A voice rang through the air, followed by a loud _what._

Mona barely blinked.


End file.
